Keeping Siblings Together
October 30, 2011
Not long ago I came across a case involving a sibling group of 6 which until recently kept me awake at night.
A few months ago I dealt with a case involving 6 children. The children were aged 10 days to 12 years old. All six children had been taken into care and split between 6 different placements. Two of the children were placed with two different family members, and the other 4 were placed with four different foster families. The children got to see each other 2 hours every week.
What kept me up at night was the 12 year old boy, the eldest of the 6 children. I could imagine how he was feeling – the confusion, the despair and the grief at losing all meaningful contact with his brothers and sisters. I wondered how he was getting on, and how he was managing to cope. I felt his pain, but despite my best attempts there was absolutely nothing I could do for him.
I remember when I was 12 and my sister went to live with her new foster family, leaving me behind in a children’s home. I put a brave face on because I didn’t want anyone to see how upset I was at being separated from my sister. We had grown up together, we had travelled through the care system together and we had shared many upsetting and joyful times together. It was hard saying goodbye, and not knowing if I would ever see her again.
I recently heard that the 12 year old boy has been reunited with his 2 siblings in kinship care, and is living with his great aunt. No words could describe how happy I was to hear of this development.
I get quite angry when I hear of children who are placed with strangers or put into residential care, and then a few months later they are placed with members of their own family. The system is so crisis led that when children are removed from parents the best they can hope for is to placed in foster care or in a local childrens home. I think these children deserve better.
I am of the opinion that when a child comes to the attention of social services at an early stage, that social service professionals should preempt the child coming into care. Social services should identify suitable kin, carry out an assessment, including a Police Check and develop a contingency plan. So, if the situation with the child deteriorates to the point where the child has to be removed from his/her parents, there is a contingency plan in place which ensures children avoid being taken into foster care/residential care.
I don’t think the social care system fully appreciates the trauma experienced by already traumatised children when they are placed with strangers; or the impact on sibling groups who are split up before being placed with members of their own family. I think we under estimate the bond siblings share when they grow up in difficult and challenging circumstances.
19 years after leaving care and I barely know my sister. We don’t share special occasions and we have little if anything in common. Our relationship is strained and we have difficulty communicating with each other. Our relationship is alot different from what it was when we were in care. My sister and I are merely strangers connected by early life experiences and the same surname.
We owe it to these children to make sure the system works for them, not the other way round.
A fantastic charity working to keep siblings connected who are separated across a range of different care arrangements is SiblingsTogether
http://www.siblingstogether.org.uk/aboutus.php
So sad. My hubby and I didn’t want to see kids go through more trauma by being separated from siblings as well as parents. We weren’t expecting that call to be about a family of six, but went for it anyway and have embraced it. The kinship care idea sounds good. Unfortunately politics and good things don’t mix very often or at least not very quickly. Different continents, countries, and systems, yet so many of the same flaws and problems …
Hi Instant Mama, and thank you for your comment.
Well done you. I can imagine how hard it is to look after 6 children each with their own little problems and no doubt big personalities. But it is great to hear that foster carers do step in and make an effort to keep siblings together.
I have to say from reading your comment that whoever was responsible for placing these children did a great job. They obviously made every effort and seen it as a priority to keep the children together. Hats off to them.
These children most likely don’t realise how lucky they are, but when they get older and see what happens to large sibling groups within the care system they will thank you for all you have done.
Absolutely great to meet you. Your have brightened up my day!!!
Jacqueline:
What a great post! Yes, siblings should stay together, unless it is unsafe, and your idea for pre-placement is excellent. I am the mom of 11, including two adoped sets of siblings. Just started a blog on successfully raising adopted kids.
christianadoptionsuccess.wordpress.com
Check it out and be sure to leave a comment!
Shari in Colorado
Hi Shari, thanks for your comment.
Mum of 11, can’t believe it. That must be alot of fun.
Fantastic to hear you have adopted siblings. I have had a look at your blog and when I get a chance I will leave you a comment.
Came across this article today on siblings and thought maybe you would have an interest in it.
http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/shortage-of-families-for-sibling-adoption-2377779.html
Take care, and good luck with all of your children, although somehow I dont think at this stage you will need it.
jackie proud of you and totally know where you are coming from i know from personal experience that they still split siblings up and it is so wrong thankyou for all you do to tey to get help for the families you are helping they are lucky to have such a good champion as yourself .
Hi Trisha, fancy meeting you here.
Thank you very much for your lovely comment, and for sharing your personal experience. I think we’re both champions for these children in our own ways, and like everything two heads are always better than one. I left you a wee comment on Facebook. Take care xx
Hard hitting post, Jacqueline. Hard to read but great that you are offering solutions for children who find themselves in this unenviable position.
Thanks John, Heres hoping!
Good to hear of your speaking up for siblings. our charity does all possible to help keep siblings in touch & for positive contact whilst apart and many are. We run residential camps drop in centres and befriending programmed to ensure they are kept in touch. Like yourself the pain of loosing my siblings in care has taken a huge part of my life to heal, were now in all in touch, our children are claiming the bonds which were severed for us. Since leaving care I’ve sought ways to change this situation it’s not rocket science!& the work we do changes lives & futures every day for the better, they don’t have to realise it, they’re too busy enjoying themselves. Since setting this up 5yrs ago I’ve seen siblings leave care & move in together, some only saw each other once a year!. We had 2 sisters last week meetIng for the first time in 3 years, which is Nothing short of punishing. No wonder children feel they serving a sentence. There are people who will take siblings in and work with their trauma & hurt, we need to support them to do this
Hi Delma, thanks for your comment.
I have included a link to your charity which I keep asking you to bring to Northern Ireland.
That can be your new challenge!
Glad things worked out with you and your siblings. I havent lost hope that I can’t at some stage achieve the same.
Take care xx
This post Keeping Siblings Together Jacqueline Williamson is very pretty. I think this is one of the most significant info for me. I was looking at this blog and I’m impressed. I can’t wait to read much more from you because this is really a wonderful website. I will bookmark your weblog and check again here regularly.
Hi Joe, Thank you!
It is a terrible thing to separate siblings. Usually the older children have been responsible for a lot of the parenting duties for the younger ones, and feel that responsibility very heavily. It seems harder and harder to place large sibling groups though doesn’t it? The idea of what a family is has changed a lot over the years and now it’s a pretty small (number wise) concept.
Thanks for your thoughtful post